Topic: Looking for feedback on the fantasy power article

[pyrotech]

Hey all,

Taking a cue from the ongoing discussion in this forum about encouraging contributors, I figured I would post this.

The July release looks to be up and I have a new article in it.  I am still learning a lot with each article I submit, and am experimenting with new elements in each.  I would be interested in peoples feedback about what they like as well as what they think could be improved.

I for one suspect I may have gone overboard with too much flavor text in this article.  But I could be wrong.

I'm about 90% done with my next submission so any feedback you may have could help improve my next (all other future articles).

Here is the link to my article (but honestly I would recommend checking out the whole e-zine).

http://www.guildcompanion.com/scrolls/2013/jul/blackboundarmor.html

Thanks for you time and feedback.

Regards,

-Pyrotech/Clint Fell

[PhillipAEllis]

G'day!

I'm about to read it, and I look forward to giving you the feedback you need. Apart from flavour text, what else would you like me to address?

[PhillipAEllis]

G'day!

Having read the article, I found most of it unproblematic. Regarding the flavour text, specifically the epigraphs, they do tend to go on at too great a length. As the cliché has it, less is more; a single well-chosen paragraph at the head of each section would have been more effective.

I would also suggest, style-wise, that you keep an eye on the variety of sentence lengths. Short sentences can be effective. And the feeling I get is of too many complex sentences, where compound sentences could be more effective. And you may try, if you're adventurous, the tripartite sentence for a rhetorical flourish.

The game mechanics looks well done. It is laid out well, and easy to follow. Overall, with my remarks above in mind, you've done a great job, and I look forward to reading more; feel free to contact me outside the forum if I may be able to give you feedback prior to submission, ok?

I hope this helps!

[Thom @ ICE]

I had not seen that the new month was up yet.... Thanks for pointing it out.
As for the article, overall very good. I enjoyed it very much.

You tended to raise a lot of questions early on about what powers it could have, where it gets it's power, and how those powers are imbued into the armor.  Great start and really gets the mind going thinking about what you could do with the armor.

Then you move into the Blackbound armor - definitely a cool idea. Unfortunately you asked so many questions up front and got my mind racing early on, and then you presented only one example (although it was at different power levels).  I would have preferred to see more different types/bindings of examples and a little less about the Blackbound armor.  For what you did present, it was very good - but I would like to see one change... as the armor power goes up there should be more risk for the user.  You reference the malignant personality for the weak bound.... I'd like to see that played up even more with required resistance rolls whenever the wearer uses a major power, and a required commitment of giving up one's soul should they die while wearing the armor.... which then leads to eventual checks just to take off the armor.

Anytime I use demonic powers for a weapon, item, or armor, I expect there to be a major risk.  Overall though I liked the article and it got my mind thinking in those terms which will likely work very well with something I am working on.  Thanks.